Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015's End

Thursday, December 31, 2015

The last day of the year is the day when you can be in a roomful of people but still be alone. Why? Because you're left with what YOU have done this year, not what your friends done, not what your family has done, but YOU. Maybe you think about what your friends or family have done to you, but it's still about you, isn't it? This could be the most selfish holiday there is, really, which is ironic because it's only six days after Christmas.

But it's also a time to reflect, isn't it? A time to really think about what you want to change or don't want to change, although the latter is impossible because of time and age. (Unless you're a vampire).

So here's my reflection of 2015.

2015 was a time of deciding who I want to be. Of finding my purpose. It's been a time of destroying the remains of selfishness and pride, and building my capacity to love.

Once upon a time, I lost my ability to love, because I had lost my first loves--my family. I stopped loving everyone, including myself. Until I realized that I always had people who loved me. Who was I to be so selfish and not give anything back in return? I wasn't that important. I wasn't God. I didn't deserve that love at all, not one bit of it. And if I didn't realize that when I did, I would've eventually lost everyone. That's the truth. Because you cannot have love without giving love.

So here I am, at the end of 2015, ready to be the person that others were for me––loving. Unconditionally loving. People also need love to be saved, don't they? I say you should never give up on people, you should do what's in their best interest to the best of your knowledge and ability. But that's not easy. It takes time and effort, like all relationships do. And I'm ready for the challenge. I'm ready to start fighting.

2015 is the end of this chapter: Finding my purpose.

2016 is the start of this one: Living my purpose.

What chapter are you on?

Happy New Year world,


Monday, December 28, 2015

Daily Questions We Ask

Monday, December 28, 2015

This is a song by the Fray that is really about the question of the existence of God, and of any God, really. When we're angry, throwing crap on the floor, punching the walls in hopeless grief––this is the question that a lot of people ask: "Where were you when everything was falling apart?"
Here are the lyrics, and I highly recommend the song to feel the "full, artistic effect."

I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything"

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
From the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Early morning
City breaks
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all our love

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?

Why'd you have to wait
To find me?
To find me?
The lyrics are pretty straightforward. This is the song I would play on repeat when I was, to borrow some theme from the song, "lost and insecure," because as I listened, I asked God––where are you? I'm looking for you and you're not here. I've been hurting and asking and all you've done is taken all that I love! Why! Why did you do it! WHY DID YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY WHEN I WAS HAPPY! 
The anger builds up. Then the break down happens. And suddenly, you realize that you're just one human being in this large universe of beings, and then you choose one of two paths: you try to salvage life, or you destroy your own. 

What I forgot while listening to this song was the ending and the beginning––the title. The song is called "You Found Me," because even though you may be waiting and waiting and suffering, he will come. There's no doubt. Maybe it'll feel like it's too late, but it's never too late. Because even though you had to wait, it's worth the wait to change your life. 

You'll be lost and insecure, lying on the floor, but he'll find you, offer his hand, and from there, it's your choice whether or not you're willing to trust him and take that hand. I can't say what will happen if you refuse to take his hand, but I can say that if you do, he will carry you while you are weak and hold you until you are strong enough to walk, and even when you are strong enough to walk on your own, he will always rest in your heart. 

And all of the darkness will die. 

Sunday, December 13, 2015


Sunday, December 13, 2015

"You have everything you need . . . if you just believe."

These words are from a song in the Polar Express (remember that movie?), and it reminded me of what it means to believe.

What is believing? 
It's that feeling when you're clutching your heart in your hand, holding onto what each beat is saying, and knowing that whatever your heart is whispering to you is absolutely, a-final-period-at-the-end-of-a-great-novel, true.

It's the Christmas season, everyone, and if you don't believe now that there's some hope and good in the world this season out of all seasons, then maybe you're looking at the world, but you're not seeing. The night is decorated with glowing, northern lights, snow may not be falling everywhere, but a sweeping uplift of joy is making its rounds around the globe.

Give. Smile. Laugh. Believe.

The countdown to Christmas has already begun, sing along.

11 days,


Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Purpose Driven Life

Thursday, December 3rd, 2015

I read the The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren just this summer, and it changed and strengthened my relationship with God. I am a nondenominational Christian, and was just baptized in October, because I'm not afraid to admit my faith anymore. Why? Because after all that I've been through, after all the love I have been surrounded with, how could I not? There is a wide misconception that Christians scoff on those who don't follow the "Christian way" or have a belief other than Christianity, but that is missing the point of Christ's message: "Love thy neighbor."
       Love is the key to bringing the world together. That sounds cliché, but it's the cliché truth. Without love, what are we? Living a life alone? Living a bitter, hopeless, and dark life.. Miserable. Sometimes we try to hide from love because we believe it is love that caused us heartbreak, but love never is the cause of heartbreak--sin is. The only "crime" love is guilty of is healing us after heartbreak, and guess where this love comes from? God. 
Man, I cannot emphasize enough how much God loves. He's constantly with me, even when I questioned him, rebelled against him, and even didn't believe in him. Somehow, I'm still alive, and somehow, I am blessed with this life that I never imagined myself to have after losing my family in a single night. 
So here's my message to you tonight:if  you don't believe in God, believe in love, because it is the most powerful thing in this entire world. Everything good you see is somehow traced back to an act of love. Think about it. 
And if you're questioning your faith, your purpose, or whether or not you even believe in God, I highly recommend The Purpose Drive Life by Rick Warren.
Best wishes.