Thursday, April 7, 2016

Fear

Thursday, April 7th, 2016

Sorry I haven't posted in a long while. Life happens, you know? But that's not really an excuse, because honestly, we should take a little time for ourselves and just reflect, whether it's through writing, mediating, climbing a tree, or just lying in bed and listening to music (I personally love doing all four).

About a week ago, I figured out where I'm going to college, and at first, this buzzing excitement tingled my skin and tickled my lips to smile. But after a week, the feeling has dwindled down, and I'm realizing how scary the future before me really is.

Picture this:
For the past few years, you've been living in a community you've become familiar with––you know everyone's quirks, who's a bitch, who's fake, who's reliable when you do a group project, and who you have a good time with. Then, you have to move to across the country, in a community where you don't know anyone, don't know who to trust, who'll make you laugh, who'll hate you, who'll love you, or who'll be there for you. And suddenly, the fear crept in. The fear of trusting new people.

It's not that I've never had to start over before. I've had to start over in a new place quite a few times, in fact. I mean, I went to France during my ninth grade year without knowing any french for crying out loud––so why is going to college so scary?

The truth is, I guess, I'm afraid of people rejecting me, hating me, leaving me, betraying me, hurting me . . .
I think I"m just afraid that I can't handle any more heartbreak. I've had enough to last a lifetime, and I don't know how much more I can take. No matter how much more weight I can lift or how many people tell me I'm strong, I feel weak.
I've been hurt. And not just by some guy. People who I thought were my friends. My own family, multiple times. Those people can do a hell of a lot of damage. And they did. I'm broken.

I guess you could say I'm traumatized from the abuse. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but that doesn't change the way I feel. And what I feel is broken down, like every person took a hammer and swung it straight into my chest. Yeah yeah I know, I'm a mess. But I've been trying to heal these broken parts with love from true friends and true family, and I'm lucky to have them. But soon I'll be off to college and I'll have to start all over again, figure people out, learn who to trust and who not to trust, and the problem with that is . . . I don't know if I have that ability anymore.

I used to be able to tell right off the bat if I should be cautious of someone or not, but now . . . I don't know if I can trust my own judgement anymore. I think that's what scares me the most–-being blindsided. And when you get blindsided by a person you trust, damn, it'd probably hurt as much as being blindsided by Michael Oher, or any football player for that matter. The fear is like an unwelcome monster in the closet of my mind, staring at me through the slight crack as it wraps its claws around the crack to open the door every time I meet someone new. How can I face the fear–-this monster?

Well, by taking a risk. the problem is, I don't know who'll be worth that risk. And I don't know if I can survive if the person wasn't worth the risk and swings the hammer. It seems like I don't know a lot of things. But we have to live to learn, don't we?

So I guess you just have to take the risk. Otherwise you might not ever be able to face the monster in your closet, and it'll always be there for as long as you fear it.
Maybe I should take my own advice.


Love,

Alena

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