Friday, June 3, 2016

When A Writer is Alone

Well I don't really know if this applies to all writers, but I feel like most of us don't really mind being alone; in fact, we embrace the atmosphere in which there are people around us, but we ourselves are sitting in the corner of the coffee shop, silently typing or scribbling down thoughts with the occasional sip of coffee or tea.

I have small conversations with people here and there, and I get this weird impression people actually like me. Kinda weird, right? I keep thinking in my head, "Oh if only they knew, they wouldn't be smiling." Or maybe they would, who really knows?
Anyway, this town is cute, and full of interesting people. I like this feeling of a clean slate, but keeping what's important right by my side.

I wake up, check my messages, reply, go for a run (sometimes with my dog, but she gets tired pretty easily now that she's getting old), take a shower, watch a movie or clean a little, surf the internet, or I go out and just walk or bike, without a particular destination. So this is what freedom feels like! Not to say I'm not doing nothing, though. I'm definitely not. I'm actually trying to get a few small jobs here and there to save up money to go to Japan next summer, and I'm also trying to get my license. Speaking of, I need to study for that test. Oh, that reminds me.. I need to take those math and science placement tests for college. Funny, it's like senoritus has fluttered away and I'm ready to just work more than ever. Does that mean I've grown?

A friend of mine recently told me, "Remember that every day is a learning experience..." and that made me think about the past few years, or the past year even. I've learned a lot. I think the most important thing I've learned, and am still in the brutal process of learning, is how to think beyond myself. Meaning that I should be aware that although the world doesn't surround you, it doesn't surround me either. I should have more compassion for people, and understanding, and not be so quick to anger. I think this year, for some reason, the angry part of me has surfaced more than I desired to. The years before, it was the sad, depressed part of me. Now, it's this anger I've got to deal with! I guess it's those stages of grief still getting to me, isn't it? Or maybe it's just me growing, because we're always changing, aren't we?

What are you? Are you sad? Are you happy? Are you low-key pissed off at your best friend or high-key pissed off at your parents? Are you unsatisfied? Are you hurt? Or are you one of the lucky ones, and feel loved and love to love? Or are you just plain old LOST?

Now, I've tried to find the source of this anger. I think it's coming from fear; fear of what, I'm not so sure yet. Perhaps it's the fear of a new opportunity and fucking it all up and losing more than what I started with. I guess that's a pretty common fear, though. So what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm going to walk toward that fear, my heart pounding against my chest and nerves pulsing through my head, and trust.

I trust that I am in the hands of a greater power. For me, that greater power is God, love. Maybe for you it's different. Maybe it's fate. Maybe it's nature. The point is, we're only human, so of course we're going to be scared. We're so fragile, from the time we're born to the time of our deaths. So what's the point of holding back from our own happiness? I know I shouldn't be scared to reach for that happiness, and neither should you––no one should.

These are the thoughts that pass my mind when I'm in the corner of a coffee shop, surrounded by people, but sitting alone.

Goodnight,

Alena

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