Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Pursuit of Happiness

A lot of people just want to be happy. I'm definitely one of those people. We all know that you can't always be happy, though. That's just a fact of life. So what are we supposed to do when life is pretty shitty and hopeless?

You can do a lot of things. Depending on whether you're an introvert or extrovert, there are different things that'll make you feel better. As an introvert, I like to get away from everyone and lay down and just think or cry or punch something. However, but I think this method would work whether you're an introvert or not. The method isn't getting away from everyone, though. The method is letting out your emotions. Everyone says to do that, but we don't actually believe them, but trust me, they're right. Don't hold it in, because the longer you hold it in, the longer you'll be miserable, because sure, you can distract yourself with drugs, alcohol, or fake smiles with friends and not feel the pain, but what the hell happens when you're all alone and left with your thoughts? You feel like crap all over again, and that's because you were too scared to face it before. So why not just let yourself feel it now so you can make some progress towards your pursuit of happiness?

Are you afraid of being happy? Deep down, a lot of us are, because if you're happy, that means you're vulnerable; you're vulnerable to the darkness that could snatch away you're light at any time of day, at any time of night, at any hour, any minute. That's not an irrational fear, but at the same time, is sort of is. Life isn't perfect. Life isn't always happy. But the suffering only lasts for as long as you let it. If you're going through a break-up, or fighting with your parents again because they don't understand, or feel just downright alone, you should know that even though people may have hurt you, they can only hurt you for as long as you let them. It's a big step: forgiveness. It's so easy to be angry at the world. And they probably deserve it, but you don't.

Everyone deserves to be happy. So ask yourself this: what's keeping you from being happy? Is it a relationship you're in? Is it your parents? Is it your friends? Is it yourself?
Someone once told me that you're biggest enemy is yourself. If you really think about it, it's true. It's all about the choices you make. I'm not saying you should totally blame yourself for the misery in your life, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that if you really want to be happy, then do it. Pursue it. Because in the end, no matter what, no one can stop you. They can sure as hell try, but they won't succeed. 

Find something true towards the pursuit of happiness.



P.S. If you wanna know you're MBTI personality type, go to

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

What're You Going To Do When You're Not Saving The World?

What're you going to do when you're not saving the world?

Sometimes I'm so tired of trying to save it. We don't think about how hard it must be for Superman or Spider-Man or Batman or all those superheroes we've read about or watched on TV... how hard it must be to feel responsible for the whole world and its problems. We always wish we could be them because they're stronger and braver, but do we really want all of that responsibility? Do we really want to lead a life with that constant struggle to choose between people you don't know and the people you love the most? Because it's damn hard, I can tell you that much. Just because people have superpowers doesn't mean their life is any easier, in fact, it's hell of a lot harder. Because when you're strong, people depend on you. 

I guess that's kind of why I hate it when people think I'm strong. I'm not. I'm not strong at all. I'm just a person that has happened to live through some crap and am trying with all my life to make this world a better place. And sometimes I'm just not good at it. 

So what am I doing when I'm not trying to save the world? Well, I can tell you right now I'm lying down thinking when is this pain going to end? When will people stop hurting each other and finally understand that the only thing that creates pain is us--US human beings. And it's no coincidence that US is also the acronym for U.S. The United States. Oh yeah, we're united alright, united in gluttony, selfishness, and economic suffering. Although we are better off than a lot of other countries, the U.S. isn't great enough to deserve the amount of pride some people have about this country. Maybe we once were, but I think we're slowly losing grasp of what it really means to be United

People criticize the government officials for making the U.S. the way it is, but who votes for those people? Who makes up this country? We do. So...hate to break it you, but it's really our fault. It's our fault that social media and TV has taken up hours of our life. It's our fault that we want to be constantly entertained. It's our fault the obesity rates are soaring. It's our fault the companies have control of our money. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can finally fix ourselves for a better tomorrow. We cannot wait for a Super-Man to come swooping down and save us. Just like we cannot wait for Jesus to come into our hearts--we have to let him in first. Don't know if that was a correct comparison, but close enough. 

Love. Isn't that the ultimate superpower? Isn't that the very feeling that can make or break you? But here's the thing: love does not break you. People always make that mistake. What destroys love is hate or jealousy or anger or greed; I'm pretty sure I said this all before, but in case you forgot or just need some reminding, that is what the real cause of suffering in this world is.

So I'm going to ask again: What are you going to do when you're not saving the world? Well, are we ever going to stop saving it, is the real question is. Because the moment Super-Man gives up is the moment that thousands of people suffer. Believe me, you're life can have that sort of impact and you don't have to have super-strength to do it. You just need love. I don't have an instruction manual on how love is supposed to get you anywhere because it's different for everyone, but I know it is powerful. It doesn't take much to have love in your heart... You just have to let it in.

It's scary to be responsible for all those lives, but if you don't, then who will?

Fly off now,


Sunday, April 17, 2016

Retreat and Teenage Angst

Tears. Reminiscent laughs. Nostalgia. Closure.

I think those words pretty much summed up the Senior retreat––three days of reflection upon our high school years and treasuring the precious time we have left here.

But I'm sure a lot of you have heard enough about how emotional the whole affair was. I guess I'm just writing this as my own little reflection because I admit, like everyone else, I took more time reflecting on the importance of other people in my life than reflecting on myself. Then again, I reflect a lot on myself already––maybe I needed to pay attention to others for once. Or maybe it's the other way around. Who the hell knows anymore? Sometimes I don't know myself as much as I think I do, which makes it harder for everyone else to understand who I am. It's all a part of the teenage angst, though, isn't it?

So this weekend I started re-watching Freaks and Geeks and it still amazes me that the show had to be canceled––I think, especially nowadays, it's the perfect comedy with a twist of exaggerated adolescent angst. True, there are the jocks, the cheerleaders (for schools that don't have cheerleaders, than most likely volleyball players or some other sport group with a majority of girls part of the "peppy and preppy" or "prom queen" group), the mathletes, and of course, the freaks and geeks. That part of high school is always true. There are always cliches. I even saw it during our Senior retreat, despite the fact that we all did truly care about each other, there's always one group of people you care about more than the other. Not that it's a bad thing, I mean we're human beings and it's hard to love everyone equally. You'd have to be God to do that. Not that you shouldn't try, of course. You should always try––just don't beat yourself up if you fail every now and then.

Most of us set ourselves with high expectations, and those of us who don't are just the ones who once did and gave up because we realized that it's unrealistic to achieve so why even try in the first place?

I understand that a lot of the stuff I write can be offensive or radical, but that's how you know it's true––the truth hurts.

Personally, I'd categorize myself as probably a freak, but an in-between freak like Lindsay Weir is, and I think a lot of people in high school are that in-between, trying to find where they belong, or have already found their place in the hierarchy but deep down want to be somewhere else or are just too ignorant to know that they want something else, which is why the show is so relatable. I realize that long sentence was probably really confusing but I don't really feel like going back and re-reading it just to see if it'll make sense to any of you. In fact, a lot of the things I say might not make a lot of sense because they're literally just thoughts that pass through my mind at the moment I type it out. Which is also why you might come across the occasional typo.

Anyway, I am a freak. I'm not afraid to admit that, and I've come to terms with the fact. Most of my friends aren't really freaks, though. And in all honesty, that's probably why I feel pretty lonely sometimes. I mean, my best friend is a cheerleader. Polar opposites. She's always been there for me, though, and despite our vastly different social groups, we're closer than two peas in a pod. I think my roommate is a freak though (if you're reading this, no offense. It's supposed to be compliment), which has helped me feel comfortable in my room.

I can't really say all the reasons why I'm a freak because there are too many to even list on one post, and plus, how the hell am I supposed to know everything when I don't even know the reasons why I do things half the time?

We're all just trying to find our place and purpose, our identity––where we belong. I hope you find yours.

Best of luck with the search.

Time to set sail,


Monday, April 11, 2016

Senioritis Much?

Yes, senioritis is a very real trend in our modern world education system, and it happens to even the most motivated of students. The only thing to be careful of is letting your grades slip a little more than you should. It can be dangerous for your whole future.

Okay, now that I've given you the mini-lecture that all teachers give us seniors, let's just think about why this happens. . .
1) You've gotten into college. Why does the rest of high school matter?
2) You're going to college.
3) You're going to college.

That seems to be the whole goal of high school, or at least that's what our schools teach us. But they're wrong. High school, or education in general, shouldn't just be because you're striving to go to the next level of education, but also because you want to learn, because the world is a better place when we are education. However, it's difficult to think this way when, from the time you're in elementary school to your last year of high school, they give you reasons like "because you need to pass this test," "because you have to get into college," or "because you need a job to make money."  What they really should be saying is this: "We are all trying to survive in this world. And we all find our own way to survive somehow. We are educating you about what the world has to offer so you can eventually make the decision for yourself."

That's what education is really for: making decisions and making changes. Because if we are not making progress in our lives, living in a static state, are we really experiencing life for what it is? Life is anything but static. It's always going to change, and we're always going to have to choose how we deal with those changes. Then again, I'm only eighteen and am just ending my senior year of high school, what the hell do I know?

So are you really going to just give up for the rest of the year just because you made it to that goal of getting into college? Are you really going to just wait out the time until summer . . . living in static . . . or are you going to keep going, keep changing, keep progressing? Because the days are going to pass by you whether you want them to or not, and before you know it you'll be graduating (hopefully) and you'll think about all the time you could've have been doing something more useful than waiting for summer. If you're not going to do school work, at least spend time with the people you love, with people you may not ever see again. You never know what could happen.

I don't know if any of that actually made any sense, but I guess it's just something to think about if you're thinking, "What's the point?" And not just if you're a senior in high school officially going to college, but if you're just thinking the point of trying. There's always a purpose to try. You just need to find that purpose that means something in your heart.

Your heart is your greatest source of power.



Sunday, April 10, 2016

Bored As F***

I don't know if you've ever had one of those days, but I'm having one of those days right now. Those days where you have so many things you could be doing but you're still BORED AF.

Maybe it's just because I'm so excited for the future I feel like I'm stuck in a motionless present that's just waiting to end. Translation: I'm ready for summer already.

I don't know about you guys, but when I'm in this mood, I'm pretty restless. Everything I do, I'll do it at 10x the speed and even when I'm sitting down I can't sit still because my thoughts are running so fast telling my brain to DO something.
But it's in these moments I feel invisible. Even if I'm not. I feel it, and it's one of the most exhilarating feelings that a person can feel. It's like you're high (not that I know what it's like to be high...) and nothing is scary (except spiders).

Anyway, I'm getting bored just writing this, so I hope you're having more fun with your time than I am.

Screw being bored and just do something,


The Meaning Behind A Name

Have you ever looked up the meaning of your name?
Do it now, and not just the google definition, but really look into it (not urban dictionary)––look at the origins, why people were named this name in the past (or if there were any others with your name).

Does the meaning fit you?

My name is Alena, pronounced UH-LEE-NA, not UH-LAY-NA. It's of Greek origin, and it's a popular name in Russia. And apparently, my name means . . .


But I'm one of the darkest people I know, with a pretty dark life.
So I did more research on my name. And I found scary accurate descriptions, although I don't like to admit a lot of those traits––they're all true. I almost feel like someone is stalking me. . .

Then I remembered what the novel I'm writing is all about: light.
So maybe the meaning to my name does suit me, but not because of me, but because of what I'm doing. If that makes any sense. I'd like to think that I try to be the best person I can be for others, and although I'm definitely not perfect, I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be hateful.

I want to fight the demons that hurt me and everyone else in this life. I think my biggest enemy, and probably your biggest enemy as well, in the end, is myself. Yourself. The self. Because you can hit by everything life has for you––loss, betrayal, greed––but what you choose to do in response is all up to you.

Like I've said before: it's your choice what you do with what happens to you.
Just like how you don't choose your name or its meaning, but you can choose what to do with that name.
Now, if you have name that means demon or evil or something, that doesn't mean you're evil. It just means you have something to fight. Anyway, it's just a name. Who says that's all that defines you?

My name means light. And I guess I'm just trying to find that light.

Friday, April 8, 2016

A Red Rose

I just found out the reason why I felt so uneasy last night. Someone died. And that's why I'm deathly afraid for those I love when I get this feeling that something bad's going to happen. 

Last night an inexplicable silence crept onto me, and I say inexplicable because my thoughts are usually running at the speed of light, but they suddenly stopped, as if a vacuum had swallowed them whole.
This meant I didn't have anything to distract me from the memories, which may have been a good thing because I was forced to pay attention to what was around me.

I exited out of the boys' dorm lobby and starting walking towards the girls' dorm, hoping I would be able plop my sore body on my bed and fall asleep with ease (I didn't, but that's just because my thoughts decided to come back all of the sudden. Great timing, right?). Anyway, as I walked, my eyes caught something red.
A fully bloomed red rose. Now, there is a rose walk at my school so it wasn't surprising to me that there were roses, no. What caught my attention was how beautiful this particular rose was. Its petals were curved out upon each other and radiated a glowing red while beads of water rested on them. I picked this rose, because for some reason, it reminded me of the beautiful things in this world, and that beauty can be right before our eyes if we just take time to notice it.

That only lasted for a fleeting moment.

Right when I finally was ready for bed and put the blankets over me, thought came flooding back to me. I didn't sleep for the next three hours, I think. Which was around 1am. Then I woke up at 6am, but I couldn't fall back to sleep because I was still thinking.
I can't really say what I was thinking about because, well, it's a long ass story.

I hate death. But even at night, when it was pitch black dark, I still saw that beautiful rose.
In darkness, there is always light. I really need to start taking my own advice.



Thursday, April 7, 2016


Thursday, April 7th, 2016

Sorry I haven't posted in a long while. Life happens, you know? But that's not really an excuse, because honestly, we should take a little time for ourselves and just reflect, whether it's through writing, mediating, climbing a tree, or just lying in bed and listening to music (I personally love doing all four).

About a week ago, I figured out where I'm going to college, and at first, this buzzing excitement tingled my skin and tickled my lips to smile. But after a week, the feeling has dwindled down, and I'm realizing how scary the future before me really is.

Picture this:
For the past few years, you've been living in a community you've become familiar with––you know everyone's quirks, who's a bitch, who's fake, who's reliable when you do a group project, and who you have a good time with. Then, you have to move to across the country, in a community where you don't know anyone, don't know who to trust, who'll make you laugh, who'll hate you, who'll love you, or who'll be there for you. And suddenly, the fear crept in. The fear of trusting new people.

It's not that I've never had to start over before. I've had to start over in a new place quite a few times, in fact. I mean, I went to France during my ninth grade year without knowing any french for crying out loud––so why is going to college so scary?

The truth is, I guess, I'm afraid of people rejecting me, hating me, leaving me, betraying me, hurting me . . .
I think I"m just afraid that I can't handle any more heartbreak. I've had enough to last a lifetime, and I don't know how much more I can take. No matter how much more weight I can lift or how many people tell me I'm strong, I feel weak.
I've been hurt. And not just by some guy. People who I thought were my friends. My own family, multiple times. Those people can do a hell of a lot of damage. And they did. I'm broken.

I guess you could say I'm traumatized from the abuse. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but that doesn't change the way I feel. And what I feel is broken down, like every person took a hammer and swung it straight into my chest. Yeah yeah I know, I'm a mess. But I've been trying to heal these broken parts with love from true friends and true family, and I'm lucky to have them. But soon I'll be off to college and I'll have to start all over again, figure people out, learn who to trust and who not to trust, and the problem with that is . . . I don't know if I have that ability anymore.

I used to be able to tell right off the bat if I should be cautious of someone or not, but now . . . I don't know if I can trust my own judgement anymore. I think that's what scares me the most–-being blindsided. And when you get blindsided by a person you trust, damn, it'd probably hurt as much as being blindsided by Michael Oher, or any football player for that matter. The fear is like an unwelcome monster in the closet of my mind, staring at me through the slight crack as it wraps its claws around the crack to open the door every time I meet someone new. How can I face the fear–-this monster?

Well, by taking a risk. the problem is, I don't know who'll be worth that risk. And I don't know if I can survive if the person wasn't worth the risk and swings the hammer. It seems like I don't know a lot of things. But we have to live to learn, don't we?

So I guess you just have to take the risk. Otherwise you might not ever be able to face the monster in your closet, and it'll always be there for as long as you fear it.
Maybe I should take my own advice.